I’ve given-up on so many things, including keeping track of as much. It’s 2 in the morning. I fell asleep after showering, after fighting with J, after a long uneventful day without eating well or a break. After being asked if I had any interest in a management opening, maybe 3 weeks after starting at the snob shop. A nice vote of confidence, but for 45 hrs/wk, they’d have to pay me more than they were offering.
It took me so long to find this job, actually, but it took longer for me to find out I am a little too good at backing myself into corners… and managing a bustling storefront all week for a few dollars more won’t justify the growing distance between me and what moments I make for even this ridiculous vestige of simple reflection. Anyway, I’ve learned I do things well that somehow cost me.
But I’ve lost more than that, particularly in certain efforts to “improve” my lot, and I am so old, now. If not yet visibly, there’s too much behind me I can’t ignore.
I still try, however.
Largely because I want to become less conscious, deliberate, punctilious… and less aware of the noise. I want no superego. I don’t even want to be self-aware, actually. In the sense of what arises from this cumbersome, hesitant, second-guessing, suspended-judgment morass I’ve developed very specific survival skills within.
All tension and poise.
There is something else: the negative, defensive, anticipatory preparedness necessarily limits what I do & don’t envision for myself; that. I hate that most of all.
And finally, I am just overwhelmed. I can look back and know what my strengths were; now? Have I learned from my mistakes or just become too timid?
It is, at least superficially, a specifically modern luxury that I can both doubt my self-worth and refuse a promotion because I value my time. At bottom: I’m not living-up, and taking on so much responsibility of no personal value would only feed the divide between me and my doing anything I’d give a damn about.